Life gets harder

So...where are things...  I can honestly say that things are extremely difficult.  My ex, who refused to leave our house, even after being separated from each other for over 3 years, finally moved out in October.  On December 14th, my wonderful, talented, sparkling, joyful, beautiful Mother passed away from a massive heart attack.  We lost my Father about five and a half years ago.  ...And I'm feeling so panicked, alone, and depressed that it's very hard to breathe.  I wake up in the morning with this sick, intense feeling that something's wrong.  I suddenly remember, "Oh, that's why.  She's gone."  See, I still can't imagine a world where my Mother isn't.  I've told people this before, but it's true...my Father was the voice in my head.  Still is.  So much of what he said and what he taught me reverberates even now.  But.. my Mom was and is the constant presence in my life.  She was everything in the world to me.  Remember what Romeo said?  Something like, everything's fine if she's well - you know, about Juliet?  Well, it goes the opposite way too - everything's wrong if she's not ok.  The whole world has come out of balance, turned upside down, and I'm scrabbling to keep on my feet.  I'm not doing too well my friends. 

    Mom was always there.  By the way, I come from a very large family.  Nine children.  Kathy, one of my sisters, passed away about 17 years ago from a brain tumor.  My other siblings are going through the same feelings that I am.  Mom was fun and loving.  She was the greatest cheerleader for each of us.  Mom could give you a smile that just told you that everything was gonna be alright.  That smile warmed your heart and truly healed all of the wrong in the world.  Now, nothing can ever be alright ever again.  To say that I miss her doesn't really say it.  I feel like I'm missing about five major organs and there's no way I'll ever be able to retrieve them.  How can I live in this world without my Mother?  I know I have to find a way.  I know that she would and does want all of her children to be happy.  We each have to find our way now without her.  But, see, I don't see how that's possible.  She was the light for our way.  She was our heart.  I truly love and miss you Mom, much much more than I could ever say.